In order to write this Satire Series I opened each book and wrote different words to go with each picture. All you need to do is get the original books and read the test, turning over the page in the book as you come to each line.
You do need to get the original MR MEN and LITTLE MISS books for the wording to make sense, as the wording goes with the illustrations in the original books for Children. These can be bought from many places. They make sense this way in the way Ladybird books for grown-ups do!
MR MEN
LITTLE MISS
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https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07VVMDC1F
MR GREEDY & LITTLE MISS PLUMP – THE UNOFFICAL MR. MEN & LITTLE MISS SATIRE SERIES: Mr Greedy was an alphabet person. He was ABCDE. He was pregnant. Calorific … Terrific! Eat All You Can & Pigs Might Fly
MR GREEDY
The following text © Clare Kingston
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Mr Greedy was an alphabet person.
He was ABCDE.
He was pregnant.
Mr Greedy liked to have his cake and eat it.
If he could be all that he wanted to be he would. If he wanted to be thin but eat loads he could see a way round that. If he wanted to eat more like as if he was hungry even if he had already eaten a lot and was actually full he could fulfil that too.
Why would anyone think that any of this was not at all possible, weirdos, fatists, thinists, wantists, wishists, his wish lists were all going to happen, he knew that and you’d have to be really, really thick to think otherwise!
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Mr Greedy lived in a designer house, it was custom built after he attended a flexible wedding in an inflatable church, which was jam packed, followed by the reception at an inflatable pub, where the bubbly was overflowing. Way before that he had bounced around on an inflatable Stonehenge, the stone circle was really realistic, well apart from the fact that the stones at the real Stonehenge weighed tonnes and these were full of air, so light feathers landing on it in motion rose into the air and remained afloat like a big balloon traversing the landscape. Mr Greedy believed he could fly, he could touch the sky, and so to live his dreams he started inside his home, with inflatables everywhere. I am pretty sure you can visualise it. Ideas Mr Greedy had bounced off the walls, into his mind, and out in the world, the thought bubbles turning to speech bubbles turning the whole wide world around. Mr Greedy’s influential inspiration reached far and wide.
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Mr Greedy loved his dreams, all of them. Tonight he dreamed he was a woman, he felt his tummy and the rest of his tubby torso and nodded off, and as he slept his mind wandered, his hands were around the bumps of his chest. This made his dreams more realistic, as his chest resembled a breast more than a firm 2 of a 6 pack, he felt more female. Page 3 of The Sun enlightened him, all those aspirational photos, he wanted to be one of them.
He wanted to be a woman everywhere, he saw himself sitting down and spending a penny like they would, he went shopping and found he had those lovely folds and lines like they did, well like the larger ladies anyway, he aspired to be larger, be wanted a bigger bottom like them, not a male nothingness; a simple leg stop point. He felt he was well on the way to fulfilling his dreams.
Eventually he slowly woke up, and in his slumber stage realised his stomach was one firm mass, like a man’s, his waist wasted away, and the smile of self-satisfaction, feeling so comfortable with himself, swept from his luscious lips. He seriously thought it so unfair that he could not have or be all that he wanted. Why couldn’t I be a woman without a womb? Period. He then worried about blood on his sheets. And just then the song “No woman no cry …” entered his mind like a sound worm, he was really irritated, and had to get up to get something else in his mind to delete it.
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Mr Greedy was a Gourmet sort of guy, he wasn’t a Gourmand, whatever people pre-judged by his appearance, and he loved gourmet food and liked to eat a lot of it too. For example, or eggs ample, as is illustrated here, he went for highly nutritious food. Breakfast was fully thought through, with all the ingredients you’d find at a top-notch hotel buffet style banquet of the meal.
He’d have as his first course a bowlful of refreshing fruits, samplers of e.g. easy peeler segments, peach, pear & apple slices, grapes, grapefruit, melon, kiwi, blueberry, blackberries all in orange juice enveloped over with a yogurt mix like raspberry and strawberry. This contained at least 2 of 5 a day.
The main would be a full English Breakfast, Bacon, Eggs, Tomato, Sausage, Hash Browns, Beans and Toast with a little room for many Mushrooms. 3 Types of Protein + 3 more of 5 a day = 5 of 5 a day – so early in the day. Well done Mr Greedy, what a healthy chap you are, reaching all government target recommendations ahead of schedule.
In order to fulfil vitamin requirements, he had what he called a mezze of cereals, in tiny bowls, like egg cups. He had a selection based on what was said on the packets, this could be; cornflakes, choco rice, malted wheats or honey nut cornflakes, porridge, rice crispies or wheat biscuit, frosted flakes, muesli or any other triplicate combination.
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After breakfast Mr Greedy moved back his chair and sat still for a bit, he needed to move his chair back a bit as, as you can see, his tummy touched the table and he didn’t want to a) go out with a dent in it that could be visible and b) he didn’t want to suddenly jerk into the table, as he felt slightly uncomfortably full, and be sick all over the place, that would be such a waste of good food, which would be a great pity, he wanted to keep the food within his waist line area, although as a man he did not possess a waist as such, especially as he was a pregnant man, pregnant people lose such things and gain so much more.
He turned on the telly whilst cuddling the food in his tummy, he was happy, and as it was Saturday morning there were all his favourite TV shows on all in a row, all the cooking shows where they went “mmm that is delicious, divine, delectable” and the wine was “to die for, with aromas of everything under the sun and earthy tastes too” Healthy chefs added loads of butter and cream to everything so it must be good. Seriously sweet stuff, a real treat each week. They were always frying stuff, loading it with carbs of various natures, their dishes with voluminous veggies, seasoning with several sprinkles of salt and pepper …
He started writing his shopping list, in his mind, then he noted what he needed to recreate these creations for supper when he would be hungry again later on, he’d go shopping after he’d had a much-needed walk. He really must go out.
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Mr Greedy went for his long walk, as pre-planned, only a slight pregnant pause to breathe the fresh air as his door when he had opened it up. He liked to go out, he loved coming out, all of his body did too. He loved long walks, he often drove to places by car and would revel in the sheer joy particularly on bumpy roads as he jolted into wobbles, his steering wheel rubbed his tummy tickling it round roundabouts, his plump bottom oozed out and touched the sides of the door and skimmed close to the brake and the clutch. On arrival some friends were impressed to see him getting some exercise “Good on you”, “I can see that weight dropping off, right before my very eyes!” “Keep it up!”
Mr Greedy smiled. His aim wasn’t that at all. He loved to walk as he loved to wobble, if he walked a certain way, he knew which bits would move and how. He wriggled, he wiggled, moreover he wobbled, wobblily. Sometimes he was rather pleasantly surprised at a new motion. Summer sweats made bits that stuck together more firmly in frosts glide surfing the waves, folds sailing from side to side. He really enjoyed this, they thought he was smiling at feeling fitter, he was in a big fat orgy of feeling fat all over – all hand’s free!
If he felt a bit peckish there was plenty of food to freegan, feeding on stuff that folks left behind, or forage, he had studied foraging both in books and out in the field, Summer and Autumn were particularly fruitful, you could fill your boots and bags and bellies with berries and cherries and nuts. He often did, Spring was leaner with spring greens, Winter was jam from yesterday, today and tomorrow. Very economical, survivalist, the maths really did add up: Calories consumed – those burned = 0 a ying yang of in and out. Mr Greedy liked a balanced approach to life. His scales mostly did do, in a positive sort of way.
He grew food at home, he entered giant vegetable contests and won some. He had a cooking and an eating apple tree, his neighbours suggested plump plums and other trees to get, over the fence one shouted “Get a pear!”
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Some of his friends, seeing as he was making such an effort, thoughtfully decided on his next birthday – they attended his party, felt full and came away with plenty to fill all their families for days – as a very welcome present, a year’s paid for membership of Weight Watchers. Mr Greedy loved to watch his weight, but not from the same perspective as they did. He did not wish to own up to all his sins so thought it would be easier to just go along with it. How hard could that be? It could be fun voyeuristically viewing other overweight body types. He heard that they got certificates and decided he’d see how much weight he could gain to get the most, he was sure he would be the winner!
But then the leader of the group started to talk, giving out literature to new members. She said that losing weight was not that hard, as long as you took each little step one at a time, it did not look that way to him, they looked huge, he would never be able to go that way, impossible, and anyway he did not set out in life to be a loser. Who would want that? None of this was making sense, how would he get away? And why would weight loss be portrayed as steps going up, surely that would make more sense when the aim was to go up, and put it on, that would add up. Then they had a weigh in, someone said to Mr Greedy how much he weighed, he had to take their word for it, because he couldn’t see the scales once he was on them, he used a measuring tape system at home courtesy of a hardware store builder’s measure, this reached round much better than a flimsy shorter needlework one, it did exactly as it said on the tin, like a can of drink it reached the parts that other tapes couldn’t reach. He was happy with that. He lived on a need to know basis, and to know which size clothing to go for online was all he needed to know, everything else was superfluous and superficial. He simply wasn’t interested in it.
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He started to feel a bit annoyed, and so when he got home went online to distract himself, he went on Ancestry to find out about his ancestors. One, from Victorian England was of great interest to him. He had had to enter a workhouse for reasons not detailed here, but that the experience had made him feel very small. The door in was immense and of a very old bulky, broad wood, the planks were long and thick. He discovered that Greedy wasn’t his real family name, originally it was something quite different. It all changed at this workhouse where, like Oliver Twist had done so too, literature provides evidence to this, he asked for More! His name was originally Creed, a name created when Oliver Cromwell banned Christmas and all its carols, colour, candles, festivities and feasts and fun, so in order to stand up for their Faith as Christians his family decided to be named Creed. They were religiously persecuted. The owner of the workhouse altered the entry of Mr Creed in spite. First, he just altered the C to look like a G, then he added a y at the end of the family name. Greed was one of the Seven Deadly Sins, so this was a very deep insult. They must have been drunk and debauched to think of this twist in his sobriety, as Mr Creed was a stone cold sober sort and a member of the Temperance Movement (found out from family notes that this was a long held tradition). The children, who were the only ones to get out alive had no recollection of their former more upright name and accepted that they were Greedys, this continued their poverty as they went out into the world as they were looked upon with distain, quite unjustly. At this point on his family was to be persecuted religiously for being Greedy. This is how Mr Greedy felt right now.
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Mr Greedy decided to go to an Art Gallery the next day as a treat to take his mind off it all. There was an exhibition called Everyday Objects to Alter Perspectives. You entered the installation through two prints either side; one reddish and one bluish by Monet when his eyesight was failing and when corrected the other side two self-portraits of Van Gogh one of his ear on one side all sound and the other of the other ear bandaged where he had cut it off.
The next area was Van Gogh inspired, featuring his chair and a table, with a huge bottle with the words drink me on it, the next room through a tunnel like in Alice in Wonderland to a tiny glass table with a small cake on the floor with the words eat me on it.
Then there was a display called “People are Sweet” here, actual sweets in front of toy people whose skin was the same as the sweet, chocolate; both milk and dark, toffee, fruit salad, fudge, candy, caramel and loads of others too. Behind that line were strawberries shaped as they are hearts, sweet hearts, and sweets in the shape of hearts, and love hearts too, with messages on them, as you would expect. All so good you’d want to eat them all up.
A bubble bath, with glass bubbles in the water and a person made of water filled balloons lolloping down in the bath. This installation was gently moved and gently moving.
A huge sponge cake made of fabric with sheets of icing – an element of which you could climb within, and lie on, pure comfort eating.
And many, many, more to indulge all the senses.
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Here we can see Mr Greedy attending the Self Indulgence Olympics. These are the two mascots: Salt Shaker and Pepper Pot. He is feeling so Proud of them and felt Pride in himself too, as he had qualified for an event!
There were 3 different categories, described by sugar refinement, the more refined the higher your fat percentage, the heavier, broader, bigger you were, based on your body mass index ratings, which were deeply tested, as far as they could possibly go, realistically, basically how bulky you were:
Icing (on the cake) The Top category, for the largest, lardiest competitors. They had put the most in so got the most out.
Caster (the cake) The Middle all aged Spread putting it on and growing with increased input and steadily showing over time.
Granulated (in the tea with the cake) The (relatively) Lightweight division, fighting it out like Big Daddy in the Ring, pulling no punches ensuring the other competitor had to, to put it simply ‘Roll with it!’
Plus as an added bonus the Sugar company Sponsoring gave every competitor a full four years’ supply of the sugar of the category they were in, some were happy to state at subsequent events that they had successfully gone up one. Caster becoming the Icing on the Cake!
The sports involved events like:
An Egg and Spoon Race & A Potato Sack Race followed by Super Sushi Sumo Wrestling plus 8 rounds in 8 rings of 2 fat ladies fighting over buns to eat = 8888….
Who Ate All The Pies? A pie eating event to try to eat the most to score the highest, letting someone else in to win was not the goal of the game!
Trampolining – not based on how high you bounced but the bounciness of your body.
Swimming – this association had its own category system; Seal, Whale, Walrus – based on the blubberiness of the water traveller.
You won medals that were actually pizzas of various sizes – they represented them in plastic to go around your neck for the event – so they were massive medals – but they were also all both backed up in corporeal reality by a daily delivery of the pizza size you had won: EXTRA-LARGE SUPER-SIZE MEGA-GIANT. Fortunately, the medal bearers were big enough to handle them and pro-portion-ately they looked a reasonable size when placed on them.
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Mr Greedy loved fashion, he adored clothes, and a little blusher never went amiss, all in his favourite colour, of course, pink. He often perambulated Designer Outlet Centres for offers he simply could not refuse, ooo he did love a bargain! Colours were a must, the brighter the better, preferably really loud, statement making, striking patterns, haute couture.
He gleefully anticipated the Annual Rainbow Colour Parade. Everyone who was anyone participated, only the lonesome nobody’s who weren’t somebody objected. They got grander each year. The idea was that you personified your favourite colour in a representative format that illustrated your personality, your greatest love. Mr Greedy liked to change the colour each year as he had the sheer joy of making a completely brand-new costume each year. He had been a Pink Jellybean one year, A Red Tomato for a charity special, this year he decided to be an Orange Orange. He loved the bulky, thick skin of an orange, with its dimpling like cellulite, there were parts of Mr Greedy’s body that were like that. His creation naturally out spanned most of the others, it was so broad and wide, Mr Greedy was a big man, and not all at the parade were quite his size, so he shone out, like a Sun rising.
They were very generous to children at these events, knowing that children loved colours and colouring in. They gave them detailed jumbo colouring books which were immensely educational, colouring pencils, thin and thick, wax crayons and plastic crayons, chalks too with boards so they wouldn’t get bored, and felt tips. Bright Hard Candy was given out freely, the fittest and the fastest to get it got given the most. They all rushed to get inflatable unicorns with the longest horns on them, longer than any cartoon or real movie had ever shown. And the glitter sets for those that wanted to be in the glitter gang, for girly sorts who like bikes, to glamourize their leather-bound attire, to ride in the wind, to glisten like the stars, to be seriously Hi Viz!
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Mr Greedy could not get enough of Rainbow Colour Parades. He wasn’t a 50 Shades of Grey man, no colour, too adult, not a lot of fun. He travelled to New York, The Big Apple one year, as theirs was spectacular! He said he’d been a jellybean, an orange and a tomato, he had to repronounce this as a word can sound differently to different people, like some words mean one thing and then another, it is all very confusing, sometimes words permanently change their meaning, deleting the possibility of the previous usage completely, much to the annoyance of the literature community, a bit like colours or logos or flags or fashion when their interpretation alters with organisational takeovers. You would not want to go out dressed like that!
The organisers said that as New York was trying to adopt a healthy image, replacing hot dog stands in the streets with fruit juice vendors, an orange would be just perfect. They gave him all the timings, he had a hotel on Times Square, on Broadway, so it would not take long to get anywhere, and the numbers of the streets The Parade would be marching on. He was ecstatic! Both the combination of the letters, he was ABCDE as I’m sure you remember, you have done your homework, haven’t you? And numbers, this all added up – you do the Maths 4 UK / Math in the US = $ ensational £ ding of the streets in higher and higher % ages + whatever class U R in U will get it innit! Forplay:: 4, Four, Fore, Phwoar!!!! The Art Department was completely covered in all that colour 🙂
He made many friends there. He met a person called Frankie, who said that The Annual Rainbow Colour Parade was going to be happening in Hollywood next week, and did he want to come? Yes, said Mr Greedy as was ravenously hungry for more movies, movies moved him, to tears sometimes, the emotional rollercoaster was sometimes too much, even for him, overwhelming, so much so he couldn’t control himself, he just loved it when he could let his hair down, climactically, and be Casanova all over, he was entirely aroused by this desire.
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Back home he decided to spruce up his home, so went for a trip to IKEA. He loved IKEA – other home stores are also available, a fact he was well aware as he had encompassed practically all of them, he really could not get enough, circumnavigating them sent him into a gyrating spin, he was so excited. He was really living the dream. When there, appropriately with his Family Card he could get a good deal in the restaurant, free tea and unlimited bubbly sodas of many flavours, he usually finished it all off with a creamy ice cream as pudding as he got to the car park and usually a hot dog to go. The first course, before going around the store, was, of course, the traditional meatball meal of meatballs, obviously, boiled potatoes and peas. When he got home and had unloaded the car, which took some time, he was exhausted, and sat down on his couch for a cup of tea to think about it and telly to wind down, invariably he fell asleep, a deep, deep sleep and soon drifted off into a dream:
He was back in the restaurant. Focusing on the plateful he had eaten, although the meatballs and hot dog had merged onto it, the vegetables remained a constant. Starting the sizing was standard but this soon zoomed in, enlarging. The petit pois peas became marrowfat, sprout size, tennis ball finally finishing the size of cabbages. He touched the potatoes, they were firm, then then softened like a bread bun or roll in the oven, also larger, then a soft white loaf with the outside not yet browned, this progress continued to be a cuddly cushion and then an enveloping bean bag, he sat within it warming him only his head visible. Viewing from there he could see two sausages at first like a fold of flab, then only one, the meatballs merged together and as these formed in groups with a fore formation and a rear one relative to the sausages, finally finished at two.
He wondered when he woke what his dream could possibly mean. So he referred to any reference books he had and looked online too, for a rational interpretation.
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His hands were gripped onto books, and his fingers typed furiously to know. This tired him out. After a small snack (cheese, crackers, tomatoes, grapes, an apple he’d got from his neighbour Adam, all washed down with a bottle of pineapple juice) he got himself ready for bed. Mr Greedy felt that nightwear was a nightmare as it could be too tight or too mobile and with his bulk he found if it was stuck in an uncomfortable position it took a mammoth effort to move it, which would rather inconveniently wake him up from his deep sleep, slumbering without rude interruption is much more restful – so he went to bed in his altogether which was his ever-present birthday suit, the gift that kept on giving, plus getting more generous every single day.
With satisfaction and exploration he felt himself all over as he cuddled up to himself, like he was a very big teddy bear with a bouncy tummy, rippling like waves in an pond when a pebble had just sunk into the surface, like a tummy button going in, and everywhere else Brobdingnagian, he was on his giant travels, like Gulliver. His hands drifted to the other side of the mountain to see what they could see. He started, as he was in that semi-sleepy state to perceive his body with proportions relative to the quantity of nerves in that part of the body. His hands became huge, and what was he was gripping became like his pinky, little. He literally, also actually, was getting a huge grip on himself, the feeling was wow, he had never felt so much ever in his life before, he was frozen, locked, rigid in stasis in awe of the feeling. He needed to be beamed up, but not yet, in the morning when the sun rose would be soon enough, it could wait, after all, the clock, was at midnight.
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In the morning Mr Greedy decided enough was enough – these weird dreams needed an interpretation – and now! He needed a Doctor Who could interpret them, sometime in the past there was one, if only he could get there, ‘in your dreams’ he thought, but then his dream did come true, and Dr. Who appeared, he opened the door of the TARDIS and travelled to Vienna, specifically the Café Landtmann and feasted on Sacher Torte and Apple Strudel and feasted his eyes on more. He spied a gentleman with a cigar in his hand, entering the café. The man had an intense stare in his direction, looking at Mr Greedy as though he was an adrift iceberg that needed firm steerage of Titanic strength. He could see his internal struggles clearly, introduced himself as Sigmund Freud, and invited him to a consultation.
Mr Greedy was honest, he said how much he loved food, the feelings and sensations, the endorphins, the crescendoing highs which he couldn’t get enough of – the lows of feeling too full to take in any more, the lows of immobility, the reality that he was completely unconscious of the enlarging lake of food within perceiving its flow as a river in and out into the loo, he grew to love peeing and pooing and the gush of the flush. In an attempt to maintain peak and to appreciate himself he would view and feed off the pleasures his food seeking accumulated, he squidged it and decided to play with it, in order to share it with the most relationships one moment he adored men, another he lusted after women, transferring his passions in fits and starts in an equilateral triangle, there were 3 additional members in this relationship with Mr Greedy. This was URgent, URGEnt urGENT URGENT EMERGEncy! He wanted more and more, he could not help himself and started to masturbate on the couch. Freud looked on in admiration. His theory was proved completely in this consultation. His ego was fulfilled to the maximum peak of his own internal pleasure and felt the only logical thing to do was to join in, publicly, the pubic region of both were rubbed raw, until they hurt.
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Mr Greedy got up of the couch onto the ground, as he walked past Freud he felt very small, shrunken by the shrink, deflated, and in pain physically every step he took. Freud was probably also in pain but he was sitting still and as he was slimmer his body did not rub so much and could get good amounts of air to the areas that needed a whiff of freshness.
Why did he say all that stuff, why did it all just come out, couldn’t he have been at least a little self-restrained as to what he was feeling inside and have kept it there, securely under lock and key? Why the hell did he not mention that it was not actually fat, he had food cravings, He Was Pregnant. He was so annoyed, completely pissed off with himself, and could do with something to cheer himself up, usually that was a big bar of chocolate or a biscuit binge with coffee or tea, but he felt so ashamed, too aware now, he would see others could see now and really desired invisibility, so feeling smaller suited his reduced id, that was his I.D. now this Superego of a Man had reined it in, what was there left of him, who or what was he?
The Dr. Who got him here was at hand to whisk him away, and in the nick of Time too.
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He fell into a coma of shock on board and was placed gently on his own couch, in his own time on landing. No one saw any of this by the way, there are no witnesses, no photos, no videos, so nobody quite believed him when Mr Greedy recounted this tale. It was really weird when he woke up, he did not feel the same or look the same. And where was his baby? Some had mocked him in the street calling it a food baby, even posting mean memes with mock ups of food to look like a baby, and people with watermelons on their tummies with the words ‘when’s it due!? lol’ He knew he was really pregnant, or at least had been. Did he give birth on the time machine and the baby was left in another time on another planet? Which planet was he on? Was this the right one? Is this really me or am I my mind in another’s body? He was clueless. Was this Freud man deeply dodgy? He went for a very long walk to check out the local scenery, and to see if the people he recognised were people that he really knew, he had to suss this one out, somehow or other. Something about all of this was not right, he was not fully himself.
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Mr Greedy or Mr Creed I should say reckoned and believed that there must be a moral to this story, and he thought the moral was to put it simply:
Beware of Freuds!
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LITTLE MISS PLUMP
The following text © Clare Kingston
This is the first franchise ever opened of Plump Inc.s Eat All You Can Café chains. ‘Little’ Miss Plump – the founder of the franchise and many more following it – decided to go large in the design of the buildings for the business, and be all embracing. So this café is in the shape of a cake.
She wanted to respect local traditions, for example in Melton Mowbray, the café was in a huge replica of a Melton Mowbray Pork Pie. The locals loved it and kept coming back for more. In Cheddar the locals could Gorge out in a big cheese. In the neighbouring and next county, Devon and Cornwall, on their border she created a double cream and jam, or jam and cream, depending on which side of the border you were, scone (rhymes with all gone) / scone (rhymes with thin to the bone) depending on how you personally pronounced the word. On the Devon side it was cream and then jam, on the Cornish side the other way round. The building was a rounded figure of 8 made up of 2 scones; one with cream first, then a dollop of jam on the top, the other spread thickly with jam with a plentiful quantity of cream to top it. Coach loads of tourists travelled to the place to try some, stating in a taster survey which combination they preferred. Locals from any county trailing behind got through a lot to catch up, not wanting to lose to the other side. Everyone’s a winner, thought Miss Plump, as the profits rolled in!
This was a business that was building, bulking up all the time, it was also into the building industry, particularly property. Plump was perfectly prepared to wolf down all the work money people had gained and to keep it all for herself, these little people would effectively be working for her for all their lives, their homes would not be laid on solid ground, firm foundations or the stability of stable structures. She had straw houses, led by Mr Swindle which blew away in the wind, Wood ones in a department led by Mr Trotter who had a somewhat inflammable attitude to everything and anything and had been known to spark off randomly, and brick ones that seemed solid, unless of course you have read the contract, written by Mr Make-a-Pig’searofit, they weren’t as solid as it first appeared as they were of a moveable type. All of this was highly profitable and as such, over time from Three Little People to Three Million Minions all were sucked in to be suckers and had no choice but to accommodate themselves according to Little Miss Plump’s increasingly demanding wish list of wishes.
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This is the Head Quarters of Plump Incorporated as you can see by the design of the décor, decorated with decorum, with the squares all around, it all added up. Little Miss Plump CEO exclaimed and explained to all her employees at meetings (which were always accompanied by eatings, which were well received by all) her mantra:
The More You Put In, The More You Get Out.
Plump was the very personification of her mantra, she took great pleasure and treasured her appearance as she saw herself as a dream fulfilment device, an example in full view. She was stocky and sturdy, her stocks were growing in value and the business had bottom, it could not fail or fall down, the foundations were that great.
The bottom line was very important too, illustrated the CEO as you can see as her actual bottom was obscured by the line of the door. She said that as the losses – what you cannot get to see at the end of the day – was a lot less than what you could see right in front of you, with a fairly massive forward projection, the profits were greater, and that she salivated for more, licking her lips – the business would continue to grow, probably out-growing all others around.
They were ‘in the pink’ the curtain colour chosen to show what an outstanding example to other businesses they were. The tiles were ‘in the black’ a standing they demonstrated on the FTSE with the white being 50% of all tiles, as she wanted employees to put in 100% more to double the assets of the company.
Even the sun shone out of the company, ask no questions, you know it really does!
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Little Miss Plump was in a contemplative mood. Looking at this nice porky sausage right in front of her eyes, which close-up looked unbelievably bigger than her stomach, she had huge eyes, eyes for the prize. She thought of the Superstar Miss Piggy who took to the stage everyday with aplomb. Then onto her Piggy Banks she had got as a child learning to save, she chose to bank at NatWest deliberately to get all of them, she became hungrier and hungrier for more and more money just to fill these, then she wanted more and more money to fill her bank accounts. She got shares in all the banks, so she could gain great interest from all the money in their vaults, which were vast, they were far too big to fail, Little Miss Plump found solidly to her satisfaction. Her satiety was seldom satisfied for long, however, so she invested in big business too, and purred like an overindulged and overfed fat cat.
She thought of setting up cafés, cafeterias and canteens in business premises knowing that they would be gluttons for her offerings, they would grasp and grab what she had to offer and gulping gobble it all up like turkeys investing in Thanksgiving. She was thinking of getting doors to let them in that looked like open mouths with a knife and fork either side and handles on them, spoons as arrows pointing the way to fill up their big bellies as quickly as possible.
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Big Banquets and Historical Figures
She looked down at her plate, where she saw a whole pile of sausages, and that provoked her thinking to banquets of old, where plates would be piled high to stuff full the great and the good guests as the height of a diplomatic gesture, no-one wanted to think they were going to come away empty handed, so to fill their stomachs was a sure sign to make them relax into negotiations so that exchequers would benefit both sides mutually.
Henry I a hale and hearty monarch, whom Henry of Huntington said was ‘great in wisdom, profound in counsel, famous for his far-sightedness, outstanding in arms, distinguished for his deeds, remarkable for his wealth’, on tour in France at a hunt in the forest of Lyons died from a surfeit of lampreys. This is because it wasn’t a balanced diet for him, too many of the wrong type of food to suit his character, too cold, so he got colder and colder to freeze to death, not the correct humour either, not funny, nor matching his stage of life, so he died.
Henry VIII – the eighth!!! lusted after everything that was on offer, he divorced one wife and got another V / five free! He couldn’t get enough. His appetites grew and grew as he grew older and fatter. He was a lean, sporty and devout defender of the faith as a youth. But he wanted more, more say to get his own way, if he wanted to get another wife he would, if he wanted all the monastery land owned by the fat friars he would, if he wanted nobody, not even the Pope in Rome, to control him, he would start his own church where he held sway, and he did. He drank all the Communion wine, ate all the bread and everything else he wanted and acquired all the fruitful land and all the fattened and fattening calves and lambs, and sheep for his woolsack.
George IV the fourth, went forth figuratively speaking, his father was known as Farmer George III, the third one, who was keen on producing more food in The Agricultural Revolution, but he was quite mad, so gorgeous George took over, and he was keen on eating all the food, and drinking all the drink, and having fun and frolicking by the seaside. He always liked to look on the Bright side of life, like his stomach was a sun, all round and full and hot!
Queen Anne became plump, had to be carried to her coronation ceremony on a specially designed sedan chair. At just 37, she was too unwell and overweight to walk the traditional processional route from Westminster Hall to Westminster Abbey 400 feet by herself. When she died in 1714, aged 49, she was placed in a coffin described by one onlooker as so wide it was “almost square”, and “bigger than that of the prince, her husband, who was known to be a fat, bulky man”. It was taken to Westminster Abbey by a chariot with particularly “large, strong wheels”, drawn by eight horses carried inside by no less than 14 men. Some other royal coffins had to be moved to accommodate it.
Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, wrote a damning account of their friendship that paints a lasting portrait of Anne as miserable, dull, childish, and “exceedingly gross and corpulent”. One Lord complained he was “sorry to see she grows fatter”. The contemporary writer Roger Coke described her as “monstrously” fat, with a face that was “rubicund and bloated”, blaming her weight on overeating and an addiction to hot chocolate.
Queen Victoria started her reign so slim, but had the unfortunate habit of gobbling down her food so fast her guests, who had to stop eating when she had finished, had slim pickings, she however plumped up like a cushion and ballooned over her extensive reign to become quite fat. Her son Edward VIII the eighth, ate a lot, he had urges he had to explore, he fashionably had his trousers ironed a quarter turn around, as a slim fit was not it, his son George V had his in trim, standard ship-shape and Bristol fashion, he leaned that way.
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One very popular feature of Little Miss Plump’s Eat All You Can Cafés was the never ending time span of meals you could have. You could have breakfast all day, and you could combine breakfast with lunch, e.g. egg. Bacon, tomatoes, sausages, beans and mash all in one meal. The buffet was fully stacked with all the items all day. So you would break all fasts very quickly and turn them around into a mega meal feast at an instant, there was no stopping you. Elevenses at Ten O’Clock, you could really get ahead of yourself. It was always tea time.
This was displayed prominently in all cafés using round clock shaped foods with a spinning endless hands on them:
Donuts – particularly popular in the Springfield store location
Pizzas – the residents of Pisa found themselves leaning in and looking and then going in
Bowls of rice, noodles and everything else – the Chinese in Chinatown chomped that lot down with their chopsticks
And on digital 24:07 bars: Brownies, Bakes, Chocolate Chunks and savoury slices. Some remarked they looked like scales, like lb and oz or st and lb. They were very happy with this.
In the City of London by the stocky Stock Exchange there was a calculated approach, numerically, a site called London Weighting signifying the salaries of those in the Square Mile, for them to Round of the day looking at their figures, it did well, “You figure it out?” said one, “What, can’t you see it, it is right before your very eyes!” another responded with his eyes wide open, his really were bigger than his stomach, “He’s new to the growth game” others thought.
Global themed cafés were also located in these tourist hotspots, as well as oodles of others:
A Gateau in the Black Forest
A Hot Dog in Frankfurt
A Burger in Hamburg
And that was just in Germany!
There were, many, many more!
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The CEO of Plump Inc. had arranged a performance related meeting. She loved to present figures full on. Plump Inc. was big and growing.
Business growth bar charts pie charts showed profit adding up – summing it up several were salivating over expansionism making the opposition toast – quite literally – and eating them all up, eating up the competition, yum, tasty.
Someone in PR suggested a mathematically themed day, Pi Day, with plenty of round Pies to go round. Everyone was keen to have a slice of that action! Two more people piped up “We should have a pie eating contest!” “A chip challenge” a third chipped in. The whole company was on a roll!
Plus a Plus size clothing store proposal was presented; right next door to each and every one of her cafés – a fashion chain concept – Plump Plus – would she be interested in it – she responds positively stating it is an idea that has great growth potential and mutually beneficial, bouncing customers though larger and larger doors, back and forth, filling up in one of her cafes, finding clothes that fitted fuller figures with a little extra for growth, finding those extra spaces to store as you ate more until the clothes could take no more, extra larger sizes, going back for more, so as they grew business grew too
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The postman politely delivered her a letter from Rome, he was solidly reliable, always delivering whatever was ordered immediately gratifying customers so that they came back for more and more. He was a very busy man.
The watermark featured chubby cherubs as it was a fat in art exhibition invite. There would be ceiling frescos of heavenly voluptuousness, with all types of chubbiness in the cherubs, or putti as they are also known putting on a smooth and silky show. Historic Goddesses like Ishtar, pronounced Easter, like the Egg. Fat Fertility Goddesses from all around the world, pounded and carved in stone, Stone Age deep archaeological digs, that in the real world must have weighed many stones. Large Laughing Buddhas. Sculptures of fuller figures that you could feel, embrace and hug tightly.
Photos of the Guinness Book of Records record winners for the heaviest people ever and what they weighed. Contemporary images with wide angle lenses of a plethora of people blessed with layer upon layer expanding out into the horizon, with the strapline “Which way do you flow, what type goes with you?” Getting the viewers to fully, totally immerse themselves and to see themselves as they really are, mirror booths are provided that took 3D figurines of visitors so that they could completely explore themselves as works of art, they could carry themselves off well, a quality that they were aware they needed to do to radiate an aura of confidence. There were plenty of other exhibits as I’m sure you can imagine.
They were wondering whether she would provide the catering for it? Wondering!? Well, of course she would, and as many courses as they wished for, because, of course, she was a very positive person, who also wanted to deliver everything her customers wanted. And she did.
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I’m a little teapot, short and stout
Here’s my handle, here’s my spout
When I see the tea cups hear me shout
Tip me up and pour me out.
The Plump Incorporated Empire was growing globally, and plenty of people were interacting with their windows computers, as you can see in the reflection of the teapot here, on the world wide web, the emphasis on the word wide here, gloriously sharing selfies of themselves and their fattening friends – no fat shaming here please – with bulging eyes as they went in, voracious appetites as they ate, and hands plumped pleasantly on their tummies as they left. They went out as round as a teapot. If they wished they could measure themselves, in Imperial measures, how many inches could they pinch as they went in and their increase of girth around their tummy – note not called a waist, as they were certainly not wasting away, looking at all measures around there and everywhere else to be completely and utterly frank with you. The extending reach of the tape measures accurately reflected the extensive global reach, which was steadily ballooning, like a big, fat apple whirling silently in space:
Round
Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending nor beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
Like a snowball down a mountain
Or a carnival balloon …
Like a carousel that’s turning
Running rings around the moon
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes of its face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind
Like a tunnel that you follow
To a tunnel of its own
Down a hollow to a cavern
Where the sun has never shone
Like a door that keeps revolving
In a half-forgotten dream
Like the ripples from a pebble
Someone tosses into a stream … More
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Little Miss Plump was pondering. She was very closely studying the Language of Corpulence; what each word meant so you could discern what you were where in your own body, and relate these terms to others; chubby cheeks, tubby tummy, bulging bottom, broad back, podgy paunch, solid calves, plump hands, rotund fingers, chunky chops, fat thighs, flabby arms, roly-poly body and so on.
Then she thought through several fat description words for people; ample, chunky, cuddly, curvy, stocky, stout, hefty, heavy, pudgy, podgy, plump, big, bubbly, larger than life but not obese, she thought that final one had negative medical connotations, definitely not body positive, not a plus linguistically.
Then three phrases; you are what you eat, no half measures, one size fits all…
A couple of quotes; Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go. Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable.
Then her own one; a portly person in every port. Just then she had an inspiration, that transported her from a sea port to an air port.
Passengers with larger appetites always complained about the stingy airline food, and fussy eaters what was on offer, so Plump decided to incorporate this into the business plan, seeing the opportunity of bored passengers waiting a while to board a flight. Instead of just sitting there they could eat and thereby use this time productively. They could choose whatever they wanted and also bring in a doggy or piggy bag on to the flight to entertain themselves and calming them and making them a little sleepy sometimes from being sated and full in flight.
Little Miss Plump was fully aware of bigger flyers squishing smaller ones so decided to design solutions for comfort, making seats wider, made to measure, you gave your personal width dimensions as directed by a diagram and your seat would fit you however fat you were. Sometimes this meant fewer paying passengers as more larger people were accommodated. Other airlines were tight about it and said we should fit and get fit and be fit to fly in comfort, some even proposed a pay by weight system where passengers with their luggage would be charged pro rata as they got on the plane, in the main, a deposit to match your expected rate could be paid online in advance, you’d pay more if you weighed more, and get a discount if you had since lost weight. Plump was not into losing or bossing her customers about, that just wasn’t good business, the customers were always right, always, all weighs.
This Jumbo Jet could get all up in the air, even those with elephantine proportions, you’d have to be a Dumbo to think otherwise.
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Pigs Might Fly they say, and Little Miss Plump agreed that they could. Her celebrity friend, highly celebrated, Miss Piggy agreed as she, in her dreams of Kermit, who could fly to short hop destinations, she is always with him, in whatever he does, as she loves Kermit.
Little Miss Plump decided to start a perfectly pink airline – she decided to locate it centrally in a distribution town, Swindon, otherwise known as the pig on the hill, a literal translation of Swine’s Dune, probably founded in the reign of Swein Forkbeard, the Dane, who brought home the bacon, this is the source of all Wiltshire Ham and the fount of all pigs in blankets. She asked her friend Miss Piggy, who looked like a local resident Diana Dors, to open the Head Quarters of Oink Airways. Both of them absolutely adored the nearly luminous bright pink planes which were really easily visible against any sky, whether it be a clash of bright blue or like a high viz jacket in a grey cloud sparkling with rain or like a snow globe.
The raison d’etre of Oink Airways, which were decorated as a pig flying smiling with angel wings angled on the je ne sais quoi or pourquoi in other airlines was that you had to travel for longer than the actual flight to an airport where you had to wait for a flight, whilst waiting for many flights in toutes directions, this porc qui airline was logical like the logistics town it was based in, in that you picked up a flight at your really local airstrip and went to an airport that only went to one place or a couple near to each other going the same way, so if you couldn’t wait you could be satisfied, or if you were late the flight could wait for you, effectively, they could fit you in.
The hostesses and hosts in flight were to be fun and funky too, not the staid, disciplined, silly shoed and stuck up lot, hers were characters. The entertainment team opted for the ever popular Peppa Pig, and her friends, none of whom were skinny. They were jolly and relaxing and really rather funny however old, “Who is calling whom old?” said Daddy Pig, seriously. The choice of this theme meant she did not have to be so discriminating or discriminate against fat people in this role, and in order to fit them in she widened the aisles, this meant slightly fewer seats, but happy customers are contented customers, and she wanted them to leave the flight with the feeling that they were still flying high.
Heathrow had something to say about all of this, as they too wished to expand, this she felt would start a row the size of a previously large heath, “what harm were they doing of any worth to the world?”, they said as they sipped on their tea by the crate load, like a tea party in Boston. She thought they were more like bust on as they were intense and intent on hurling insults at any other proposal but their own. Little Miss Plump thought they had already had firsts, and seconds and now they wanted thirds in a runaway sort of fashion. But why would anyone buy into that when they could have fourths, fifths and sixths at her cafés when about to fly.
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Little Miss Plump is seen here driving to and through her drive through locations in her car, a Rolls. She loved to roll, her rolls of fleshy fat matched the flashy fat tyres on her massive and big people mover, it certainly wasn’t a mini, she occasionally found one parking space was not enough for it, so she straddled over two, going over the boundary line in the centre where her brake was. The car had a great load maximum so it held firm with her at the driving seat, and parking like that meant ‘Little’ Miss Plump had plenty of room for herself to get out of the car, normal gaps were a bit of a far too much of a tight squeeze for her to visit the supermarket, particularly necessary when returning with a jam packed, family sized trolley, very heavy, full and overflowing. These journeys inspire more ideas like (((Grab on the Go…))) (((Get all your spare tyres here))) === checking in with a bite to eat === eat up all the way to your destination === for far safer travelling as who would need airbags when one was one! (((0)))
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The Plump CEO arranged a Shareholders meeting at a large hotel called Largesse
Largesse is fully equipped with all the facilities adapted for larger fatter folk – eg. even their swimming pool was filled slightly lower so that as they got in no-one would notice the difference, bigger beds with more ballast in the floors so the ceilings could handle the over load, wider rooms and corridors, more room fewer rooms, firmer chairs to defy the gravitational push of the greater mass upon them, lower maximum occupants in the lifts. Well upholstered furniture. Plumped up pillows, nice and rounded and soft, with emperor size duvets, baths with a wide berth and bulky toilets so guests weren’t oozing over the sizes like an over-iced cupcake. The portion sizes, this probably didn’t need saying, were extremely generous.
Mr Greedy, a major shareholder was so keen to see her, he simply couldn’t contain himself, and with his outstretched arms – they had steadily risen relative to his inward investments in himself as he found internal inflation to be personally effective, so this was his natural normal stance these days. He went as fast as his wobbly tummy and his jittery body would allow, he went with the flow, happily he knew progress was moving forward. Knowing how keen he was she offered him even more shares. They both slept well on that that evening under their mountainous duvets, very similar to the hierarchical company structure of the firm (when I say firm I mean full as I am sure you can imagine). They said the weight of the company wasn’t just bottom heavy, as others were. It was top heavy too, very egalitarian.
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Mr Greedy and ‘Little’ Miss Plump discuss a Get Fat Food Shop “Calorific Terrific!” – with all of their items being what people wanted and helped them grow – widthways – as they thought aloud to themselves that all this fat shaming needed a full on redress. Trans fats were good, not bad, as to say they were bad was both trans phobic and fat shaming, an arrestable hate crime and would be in all the social media speak as news.
So no daft diet food here. Really what is the point of buying food that had nothing of substance in it, that really didn’t add up did it. They remembered pay by weight paper shops back in the day when you wrote to people on paper, and thought quite a lot of their produce could be lumped in together like that, so instead of getting a revealing receipt for others to judge you on later, you would take a weighted token relevant to the product’s cost and all that weight was measured and you simply paid for what that was.
An online equivalent was planned “Put On Weight On Line” they imagined loads of users ordering treats as gifts for others, or untraceably for themselves. There was a growing clamour for fat taxes, so if you could offshore these and keep piling on and in what you wanted like it was still a free country, before they blamed coastal flooding on the obesity epidemic of heavy people living it large by the shore.
They wouldn’t label the food negatively to make people feel bad about treating themselves as often as they wanted, not Naughty but Nice, no they would say Nice and Tasty – go on treat yourself every single day of the week, and several times a day if that’s what you fancied.
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They had a huge cake to share at the meeting. Inspired by the Great British Bake Off – a robust design was required here, they held it all together with sticks of seaside rock. Some sorts of people held their large, in particular wedding cakes with inedible options, which they felt contravened health and safety legislation, and would stick in people’s throats, like the business opposition found their profits, generating all sorts of ‘reasons’ why, and they mostly didn’t want sticks in anyone’s throat as that would completely stop them eating, and that would be really, really bad.
They had a bring and share event on the first day of the week so shareholders could promote and sell their food ideas to the chains, as there were many large shareholders with big holdings everyone needed to bring a lot to the tables. Even though they all brought along far, far more than enough, it all went down well, evident from the absence of food at the end of the event, most shareholders were so enormous the difference had grown indiscernible – so one would ever know, they didn’t feel it was a cheeky this or a sneaky that, those thoughts went well out of view many meals ago, so much so they couldn’t remember those days any more, or the clothes that they once fit in growing snug, tight, taut and impossible as they dressed loose and free, with no inhibitions, concerns or guilt of it in any manner.
Greed is Good, they felt as they rested their arms with locked hands on their tummies, all of them agreed to this as they weebled wobbly but could not fall down.
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Little Miss Plump was so happy. She was having a daydream about food – again, and yet again she thought of all her fat friends who she loved, closely, especially when they were in the same room together, unlike thin friends who were dispersed far apart. These fat friends bounced ideas off one another and as these business plans grew to fruition and they became busier with them they all grew too.
This little piggy went to market – and made loads and loads of money
This little piggy stayed at home – and made loads and loads of money on line
This little piggy had roast beef – and roast pork, and roast lamb and roast chicken and so on and on and on
This little piggy had none – of any restrictions of food or of drink what so ever in her life, nor exercise nor saying no and grew and grew and grew
… > P.S.
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p.s… >
This little piggy cried wee wee wee all the way home – as she desperately needed to go yet again as she had drunk so much fizzy pop, sugary drinks and alcohol she was seriously pissed, peed off and full to bursting, she just had to go, now.
She went, there and then, she could not wait, she had to go, she closed the door of the toilet and then the washing machine and then her front door after she had thoroughly cleaned up.
Now we all have to go to close the fridge door, the freezer door, the cupboard door, the oven door, the microwave door, the dishwasher door, the kitchen door and the door of this sentence, paragraph, chapter and book. The End.
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